You Might Be A Conservative If...
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your necktie.
You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
You've ever said "I can't wait to get into business school."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
You think Birkenstok was a radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said, "Civil liberties, shmivil shmiberties."
You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You spent MLKjr Day reading "The Bell Curve."
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax deductible.
You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts "a bunch of pornographers."
You think all artists are gay.
You've ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps when they didn't even have shoes.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
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kumquat37@hotmail.com
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