Lately I've been thinking about my life, and wishing I had someplace to write down what's passing through my head. Problem is, my pencil doesn't move half as fast as my thoughts run, but I have Lightning Fingers on the keyboard, so I decided to start an online journal. I haven't decided whether or not to link it to any of my other pages yet - probably not, since the whole point of an online journal is to get all the shit out of my head that's rattling around up there.

So here I am. Ready to rock 'n roll.

It's so beautiful up here in Northampton; it's just starting to turn fall, the leaves are starting to pile up on the ground. I love that scrunching sound they make when you walk over them. The air's getting cold; I've taken to wearing a hat, since I have no hair to cover my ears anymore. My mother was right, I definitely need warm hats for this winter. My mother is almost always right, so this time is no big surprise. ;) I love riding my bike across campus and feeling the wind ruffle my peach fuzz hair. Every day I breathe deeply and look around and feel glad to be alive. It's a nice feeling. Looking at the stars at night and the stupid squirrels that don't run from my bike tires during the day, I feel like part of nature. I haven't felt that way in a while.

I need to spend more time sitting still. I'm always running around from one thing to the next, trying everything, doing everything, helping everyone... Sometimes I wonder if I'm scurrying to keep from thinking about myself, or if it's just my nature to be a hurrier.

There's this girl Tanya who lives in Gardiner, the next house over. She's in my English lecture and in my SL&L group; she seems like a really cool girl. Thing is, she's physically deformed: her hands seem not to have fully formed, so her arms end in these sort of stumps with a few vestigial fingers sticking out. She does really well for not having opposable thumbs - she writes and eats and does everything else just fine - but I can't stop staring at her, for some reason. It fascinates me to watch her do anything. I feel rude, like I shouldn't stare, but sometimes I catch myself doing it unconsciously. I wonder if one ever gets used to being stared at - I used to get stared at some because of my haircut, but it's nothing compared to what Tanya must deal with. Besides, a haircut is a lifestyle choice, whereas her handicap is definitely not. She doesn't make anyone feel sorry for her or anything, and it's obvious that she has the same concerns and fears as any of us - she wants to meet guys, she misses her family terribly, etc. She seems like such a cool person. I'm definitely going to get to know her better.

Thoughts on religion: I don't think I'm cut out to be a religious person. I've studied Christianity for my whole life, and although I find some of its principles intellectually attractive, I've never had that in-the-gut feeling other Real Christians(tm) seem to have. They seem convinced that they subscribe to the One True Faith, and I just don't have that kind of faith. So I've given up on trying to believe in something I just don't feel, and I'm trying to explore other forms of religion. The problem is, I don't feel like I'm lacking by not having religion in my life. I feel perfectly fine. I think I just want the sense of community. So I'm going to some Pagan meetings to see how I like it. Went to an equinox ritual last night, which was pretty fun. It's very laid back, no stupid rules that you have to be serious and stuffy. We sang, danced, laughed, ate, and talked, and there was this great sense of everyone belonging without the pressure to conform to a certain set of beliefs. Paganism strikes me as cool because it incorporates the gods, goddesses, and beliefs of societies from the celts to the egyptians to the greeks to the sumerians. I love mythology and stories, so that aspect appeals to me. The whole connection with nature strikes me as cool. Me likes. ;)

That's all for now. Dammit, interruptions just home in on me wherever I go. Oh well.

brain | writings | sparkyville

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