this one gets a little weird; be prepared

All righty. Here're some selections from the Random-Assed-Shit Cabinet. Be prepared for weirdness, and to learn a wee bit more about me than you'd maybe bargained on...

I was a weird little child. I'm not sure why. As you probably know by now, I've pretty well figured out that I'm bi, so maybe that has something to do with it. I used to be such a tomboy; I hated the prissy-girl clique at my elementary school (you know the ones I'm talking about - the ones who wore miniskirts and makeup from second grade on). I hung out with the more intellectual and androgynous crowd - remember, we were little kiddies, so this was the majority of the grade. But I was never one of those prissy girls. I was a shy kid, around strangers, anyway. But a lot of the time I thought I should have been born a boy. I mean, really. It wasn't just tomboy-ness speaking; at that age, kids look enough alike that the physical aspects don't matter, and mentally I could whup any of the boys in my grade. I really thought I was meant to be a boy and God had somehow gotten my genes crossed or something. That passed, mostly. Sometimes I still feel that way. But I don't think I'm trans or anything - I enjoy being a girl too much. Even if it does mean monthly menstruation.

Anyway, back to our sheep. I was (and am) an avid reader, and I developed a wicked imagination and a knowledge of the world beyond that of a normal child of my years. And my mom and I had the "all about sex" discussion early on - her mom never even mentioned the word, and she had to learn from books, and she wanted to spare us the trouble, I guess. Or something. Whatever. Well, so, I used to play weird games with my Barbies. Actually, it was with Ken and some other dolls that I got with these plastic horses. They were more realistic-looking than Barbie, which may be why I preferred them, but they were also a good deal shorter than Ken. I used to make up weird storylines and have my dolls act them out. The girls used to beat on Ken and tie him up and stuff. Although in my little head I always sided with poor, abused Ken. I used to make them do some kind of weird S&M shit, too. I mean, I was a little kid, so it wasn't very sexual (although I was pretty well informed - no censorship in this household), but it was pretty weird.

Honestly, I don't know where my little brain produced that stuff from. I had a really normal childhood. I did the usual playing with (and beating up of) my little brother in the back yard, splashing in streams, getting the younger members of the household to eat mud ("it's chocolate, honest!"), chasing each other with worms, building elaborate lego forts and then crushing them... Normal kid stuff. So I don't know if it was just some personality quirk of mine or if everyone has weird little things they did when they were kids that they never tell anyone. The fact that I used to hide in my closet and make Ken into the girl-dolls' (sex) slave is my funky little childhood secret. And hey, I've turned out pretty normal so far. I think kids need some kind of outlet for their "weird" and "bad" feelings, and that happened to be mine. You can call me a perv or whatever you want; I honestly don't care. I really don't have any kinky sexual fantasies now that I'm older, which I guess is a little weird. Nobody believes it when I say that. Well, very few people. Of course, I suppose not too many people actually think of me in a sexual context anyway.

I think it's funny that people - teenagers, anyway - don't usually think of their friends as sexual creatures. I mean, sure, there are always the jokes about raging hormones and such, but who actually thinks about his/her friends as being horny or having sexual fantasies? Maybe it's a defense mechanism of the brain; that might explode some people's processors.

Whew! That's enough out of me for one night! Adios!

On to the next thought: Annie On My Mind.


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thunk up by sparky ( )
written 02/14/98 (ooh! valentine's day!)