This is not a Sparky's Brain thing. This is kind of a "what's on my mind" thing about why i've been so depressed lately. Here it is for those of you who care:

Caroline's Emotional Outpouring

some people wear their heart up on their sleeve.
i wear mine underneath my right pant leg, strapped to my boot
- ani difranco

I donít think itís ever easy to dump or be dumped by someone. Iíve never witnessed a truly mutual breakup, and Iíve certainly never been involved in one. I dumped my boyfriend of two and a half months today. It was horrible. He took it really well. In fact, I was the one who cried. I know, it doesnít sound very horrible, but it was. I hate hurting people I really care about. Whatís so hard is trying to explain something you donít understand yourself, like why you want to break up with them. Whatís a nice way to say, "I donít love you"? I donít know. Itís so hard. Why does life have to be like this? I put off dumping him for a while, too, because I thought heíd take it really hard and heís one of my best friends and I didnít want to lose that. I figured it was better to be in a relationship I didnít want to be in than lose his friendship, and thatís saying a lot. Tim, if youíre reading this, Iím really sorry I had to do it. After you left I sat down and cried because I felt so crappy. It wasnít you; you are one of the coolest most wonderful interesting people I know. Donít ever think youíre not worthwhile or anything silly like that because, well, thatís silly. And youíre not crazy, and I hope you donít hate me too much.

Iíve been pretty depressed lately. I think itís a combination of school, which has been (gasp!) worse than usual, people, who have been more frustrating and loud than usual, and stuff in general, which I canít explain any better than that. When Iím depressed, my grasp on reality becomes pretty tenuous, and sometimes things get stretched out of proportion. Like Jay Friesen, who is such an asshole! Grr! I canít believe what a boorish selfish chauvinist pig that boy is. He is incredibly self-centered and he thinks everyone elseís opinion shouldnít count, and womensí especially. I think he likes getting a rise out of people, and I canít believe I let him get to me like I did. (okay, Iím going to complain for a bit now, so donít read this if you donít want to hear me whine.) This whole week has been rotten, but yesterday was the worst ever. I had a pop test in AP Spanish, which I'm pretty sure I failed, then I got a math test back which I got an 81 on, which isnít so bad except that I got a bunch of points off for incredibly stupid mistakes, like substituting a plus sign for a times sign in the middle of a problemÖ Just stupid stuff that wouldnít have happened if Iíd been thinking (or something silly like thatÖ). Then I had English, which I was just not excited for because we were supposed to write an in-class essay. We ended up not writing it, but the block was such a waste of timeÖ The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I was exhausted and my head hurt, and I had to drive, which I usually like (except for the other drivers and all) but not when Iím tired and running late. Then I had to go finish drawing up sketches of the SRO set over dinner with Ali, my fellow set design underchair, which was pretty fun, except that then we went to the SRO meeting and ran intoÖ Jay Friesen. He was being a dick, as usual, and it was really getting on my nerves. I kept making these little snide comments about him under my breath, which I shouldnít have done and I knew it and I tried to stop but there was some beast possessing my brain and I just couldnítÖ Anyway, we got into this argument and he was such a dick and I was fuming andÖ I was so unhappy. I went home and my mom said, "Where were you? Why didnít you tell me before you went out?" I thought I had told her, but oh well, I guess not, and I just got so depressed, I went in my room and cried.

God! I canít believe Iím writing all this out. Itís very therapeutic, kind of like keeping a journal, but thinking about other people reading it is kind of like thinking about someone pawing through my underwear drawer or something.

Iíve been listening to the Indigo Girls a lotÖ I donít know why. Maybe because theyíre lesbians, ha ha. HmmÖ I donít know whoís gonna be reading this, but maybe I should say it anywayÖ Iím bi. Oh my God, I'm coming out on the Internet. Is that weird? I mean, I have no problems with being bi, Iím just not totally sure yet. Well, Iím pretty sure, but I like to be really really sure before I tell people anything. Which is why this is so weird. God, I hope none of my family members read this. I havenít told, like, anyone. Only a couple of people know. And now, you do too. Isn't that exciting. So I guess itís more than a couple people nowÖ Itís funny, because not all of those people are the ones Iím closest to, and Iím feeling really rotten for not telling a couple of the people who mean the most to me in the world. Iím feeling kind of weird and vulnerable right now, so what the fuck, I might as well get that off my chest. Um, I think thatís all for now. I still feel lousy, but it helps to get it out on paper. Or on the computer screen, whatever.

Now go away and leave me alone. Or email me and tell me to be happy. Whatever.

Related Thoughts:
o next thought: depression, take 2
o depression, take 3

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This page by Sparky. If youíre going to laugh at her feelings, she doesnít want to play with you anymore.
If you want to talk, email her at kumquat37@hotmail.com.
Written 01/14/98.