I don’t think it’s ever easy to dump or be dumped by someone. I’ve never witnessed a truly mutual breakup, and I’ve certainly never been involved in one. I dumped my boyfriend of two and a half months today. It was horrible. He took it really well. In fact, I was the one who cried. I know, it doesn’t sound very horrible, but it was. I hate hurting people I really care about. What’s so hard is trying to explain something you don’t understand yourself, like why you want to break up with them. What’s a nice way to say, "I don’t love you"? I don’t know. It’s so hard. Why does life have to be like this? I put off dumping him for a while, too, because I thought he’d take it really hard and he’s one of my best friends and I didn’t want to lose that. I figured it was better to be in a relationship I didn’t want to be in than lose his friendship, and that’s saying a lot. Tim, if you’re reading this, I’m really sorry I had to do it. After you left I sat down and cried because I felt so crappy. It wasn’t you; you are one of the coolest most wonderful interesting people I know. Don’t ever think you’re not worthwhile or anything silly like that because, well, that’s silly. And you’re not crazy, and I hope you don’t hate me too much.

I’ve been pretty depressed lately. I think it’s a combination of school, which has been (gasp!) worse than usual, people, who have been more frustrating and loud than usual, and stuff in general, which I can’t explain any better than that. When I’m depressed, my grasp on reality becomes pretty tenuous, and sometimes things get stretched out of proportion. Like Jay Friesen, who is such an asshole! Grr! I can’t believe what a boorish selfish chauvinist pig that boy is. He is incredibly self-centered and he thinks everyone else’s opinion shouldn’t count, and womens’ especially. I think he likes getting a rise out of people, and I can’t believe I let him get to me like I did. (okay, I’m going to complain for a bit now, so don’t read this if you don’t want to hear me whine.) This whole week has been rotten, but yesterday was the worst ever. I had a pop test in AP Spanish, which I'm pretty sure I failed, then I got a math test back which I got an 81 on, which isn’t so bad except that I got a bunch of points off for incredibly stupid mistakes, like substituting a plus sign for a times sign in the middle of a problem… Just stupid stuff that wouldn’t have happened if I’d been thinking (or something silly like that…). Then I had English, which I was just not excited for because we were supposed to write an in-class essay. We ended up not writing it, but the block was such a waste of time… The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I was exhausted and my head hurt, and I had to drive, which I usually like (except for the other drivers and all) but not when I’m tired and running late. Then I had to go finish drawing up sketches of the SRO set over dinner with Ali, my fellow set design underchair, which was pretty fun, except that then we went to the SRO meeting and ran into… Jay Friesen. He was being a dick, as usual, and it was really getting on my nerves. I kept making these little snide comments about him under my breath, which I shouldn’t have done and I knew it and I tried to stop but there was some beast possessing my brain and I just couldn’t… Anyway, we got into this argument and he was such a dick and I was fuming and… I was so unhappy. I went home and my mom said, "Where were you? Why didn’t you tell me before you went out?" I thought I had told her, but oh well, I guess not, and I just got so depressed, I went in my room and cried.

God! I can’t believe I’m writing all this out. It’s very therapeutic, kind of like keeping a journal, but thinking about other people reading it is kind of like thinking about someone pawing through my underwear drawer or something.

I’ve been listening to the Indigo Girls a lot… I don’t know why. Maybe because they’re lesbians, ha ha. Hmm… I don’t know who’s gonna be reading this, but maybe I should say it anyway… I’m bi. Oh my God, I'm coming out on the Internet. Is that weird? I mean, I have no problems with being bi, I’m just not totally sure yet. Well, I’m pretty sure, but I like to be really really sure before I tell people anything. Which is why this is so weird. God, I hope none of my family members read this. I haven’t told, like, anyone. Only a couple of people know. And now, you do too. Isn't that exciting. So I guess it’s more than a couple people now… It’s funny, because not all of those people are the ones I’m closest to, and I’m feeling really rotten for not telling a couple of the people who mean the most to me in the world. I’m feeling kind of weird and vulnerable right now, so what the fuck, I might as well get that off my chest. Um, I think that’s all for now. I still feel lousy, but it helps to get it out on paper. Or on the computer screen, whatever.

Now go away and leave me alone. Or email me and tell me to be happy. Whatever.

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depression, take 3