falling in love? who needs it? um... me? (maybe?)
I seem to have the weirdest attractions to people. I'm the kind of
person who falls for people who look interesting. Falls in a crushy
kinda way, not in an "oh my god, it must be love" kinda way. I'm a bit
afraid of the word love, so i don't
really think in terms of "love", but rather in terms of attraction.
"Attraction" ranges from passing acquaintances to center-of-my-life-
ness. When I'm going out with someone, I'm rarely attracted to other
people in a non-platonic way; when I'm not attached, however, I tend
to view most people I meet as potential crush objects... it's weird.
it's totally unconscious. And it seems only to apply to people I
meet, not people I've known for a while.
Anyway, what I really wanted to write was about having a crush on
someone. Not that I'm in that fragile state, but I have been thinking
about it. I love it when there's someone you like, but you're not sure
if they like you back. That point of attraction where your adrenaline
starts to flow when you catch them looking at you, or when they catch
you looking at them... When you make up any excuse to cross their path,
to be where you know they'll see you... Where every word they say to
you, every time any part of their skin touches any part of yours,
every time your eyes meet theirs, you freeze in your memory to hash
over later and read meaning into... That's a crush, in Caroline's
little world. And it's fun. It would be wonderful if I could find
someone who had a crush on me at the same time I had one on them...
If I could skip the interim stages of shyness (yes, I am still a shy
little girl inside, especially when it comes to sharing my emotions),
getting used to each other, and the like, and go straight to that
level of trust where you tell each other everything (or feel you can,
even if you don't) and aren't at all self conscious in front of each
other. Love is the kind of thing nobody really gets the first time;
we have to learn by trial and error.
I have this wacky habit of developing crushes on those least likely.
(Well, I guess that means they're not least likely for me, but other
people seem to look at me funny when I tell them.) I seem to home in
on people who don't fit the conventional, "norm" idea of "attractive."
Personally, I think most "norm" definitions are a crock of shit, and
this one is no exception. Maybe it stems from my need to have people
pay attention to me, but I always go for people who seem interesting
to me, not necessarily "pretty". A lot of people are like, "Sure, I
date people for their personality too; I'm not so superficial as to
go out with someone just for their looks." But I always seem to go for
the girl with buck teeth, or the guy with mangy hair, or the one in a
wheelchair, or with a hearing aid; however, usually it's the one who's
not afraid to be herself, or the one who dresses the way he
wants to, not the way everyone else does.
Maybe it's a girl thing. Although many girls do judge by physical
appearance. Or maybe it comes of being bi, although i tend to think
just as many bi people judge by appearance as straight. Maybe it's a
combination of the two. I don't know. I remember having a similar
discussion with a bunch of friends. One girl, Marielle, said (this is
paraphrased; I don't have a photographic memory or anything), "Guys
tend to be turned on by physical appearance, which is why they're
always checking out beautiful girls, and why they are the main
audience for porn. Women tend to be more turned on by touch, which is
why you often see a woman with a butt-ugly guy; he's probably good in
bed." That's the general gist of the conversation, and it's true.
Although it never hurts to be good in bed and beautiful. I agree with her theory, having thought the same thing many
times.
I'm also the kind of person who never tells people when I have a
crush on someone (unless it's a totally superficial crush that'll
never go anywhere, in which case I sometimes have hashing-out
sessions with my girl friends about it); usually it's not too
hard to tell, although I do try to hide it and blush if it's brought
up (and sometimes lie). Like right now, for instance. Maybe I have a
crush on someone, maybe I don't. I'll always say I don't, at least
for the moment. And even when I'm going out with someone, even when
I'm in love with him/her, I still really don't use the word "love",
except when I'm talking to him/her and only to him/her. I don't think
it's that I'm afraid to admit that I'm in love (or what I think is
love at that moment). Perhaps it is, though. I hate to be emotionally
dependent on anyone. It makes me feel vulnerable. And i hate
feeling vulnerable. I know I shouldn't, but I do! Argh! I'm working on
that.
I think that's the end of my self-indulgent thought-spewing. I'll
wrap it up there for now.
On to the next thought: On Bisexuality and Sexuality in General.
