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this page by sparky ( kumquat37@hotmail.com )
Parents-to-be should perform these tests to determine their suitability for child-raising. Any parents in the audience should appreciate this one.
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the
wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place
a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all
over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth
of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of
the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with
the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up
about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00
AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Congratulations! You are now ready to be a mom or dad. Happy parenting!