Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around
Things That Piss Me Off
- The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no
- When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.
- People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
change the channel manually.
- When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". Fuckoff. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What,
should I eat someone else's cake instead?
- When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?
- When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?"
No dicknose, I paid $7.75 to come to the theater and stare at
that thing over there. What did you come here for?
- The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band.
Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive
sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for god's sake!
- People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really
give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
- People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I
know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I
point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?