Deep Thoughts by Dan Ullucci...
The first Christians thougth the world was going to end in their
lifetime. The second generation Christians thought so too. Thoughout
history lots of people have thougth the world was going to end really
soon.
It didn't.
Lots of people have different ideas about what they'd like to be doing
while the world is ending and for some reason lots of them have to do
with gratuitous sex. I don't know why. I'd much rather be doing that
while the world wasn't ending.
When the world ends I hope I'm eating Lime Green Jello... Because it's
yummy.
Thesis on Jello
The phenomenon of Jello is one that has been speculated upon since the
dawn of intellectual reasoning. Prehistoric cave paintings in France
depict groups of Neanderthals gathered around the glistening quivering
mass in wonder and in fear, and anthropologists have offered forth
many theories as to the role of Jello in the life of prehistoric man.
The most widely accepted theory is that Jello was a type of
unfathomable pleasure for these prehistoric peoples, and it was
perhaps the insatiable lust for this quivering colloid that caused the
beginnings of warfare in the world.
Masters of fire were persons of power in this prehistoric world, but
the priviledged few who held the key to creating domesticated Jello
were seen as virtual gods on earth... these "Jello Whispererers" were
revered and worshipped as much as the gelatin itself.
As time progressed, so did man's mastery of Jello. The advent of
science brought about the downfall of the Jello Whisperers of old, and
much of the mystery that once shrouded this coveted material was
dissolved. For a period, people scoffed at Jello because the
enigmatic quality that had induced so much speculation had been
stripped, and the alien attractiveness of Jello was lost for a time.
For a time. It was not long before people began to fully realize the
potential of Jello.
The Phoenecians were the first civilization to create Jello with
different hues, and though it has been suggested that other colors
were produced, there is only historical evidence to support this
culture's production of (of course) purple Jello. This was a turning
point in the evolution of Jello, for now man began to fully realize
the implications of the substance and began to play God, if you will,
altering it as if they understood its role in the universe and were
able to truly control it. It would not be until much later that man
would discover too late that Jello was much more powerful than could
be fathomed by mere mortals.
Throughout time, man raped and exploited the once noble substance,
using it for many many things that it was never meant to do.
Unbeknownst to most individuals, Jello was offered to the Christ child
at the first Christmas ("frankensence" is the Hebrew word for "Jello").
The Egyptians have been known to have embalmed their dead with Jello.
Louis XIV, in building his great palace at Versailles, created a whole
room filled with red, white and blue Jello in the pattern of the
French flag. Soldiers in the American Civil War used Jello as
ammunition for their cannons. Many scholars have been skeptical about
the effectiveness of Jello as a weapon of mass destruction, but
studies have been done to indicate that once Jello reaches a velocity
of 150 m/s, it is deadly.
Suddenly something went terribly terribly wrong: someone ate Jello.
And just as prehistoric man lusted after the wriggly quality,
twentieth century man began to desire its firm yet yielding texture
and its myriad of colors and flavors. An obsession began, and
suddenly the world could not get enough of Jello. Soon it was used
exclusively for human consumption... no more for amunition, no more
for funerary uses. Humans simply wanted to eat it, and hey wanted to
eat alot of it. Tragically, the power of Jello was given to anyone
who had $ .88, hot water and a Jello mold. It could be bought
anywhere... it was literally accessable to all. It was marketed to
children, made attractive by cute quivering shapes such as ducks and
hearts and stars. Some disregarded the niceties, and simply ate the
Jello in the generic cube form- it didn't matter to them what the
shape was, they just needed their Jello. They needed it, and they
needed it bad. Suddenly the entire world needed Jello.
This insatiable need and addiction for Jello soon evolved into a
reliance on Jello... and suddenly something began to go terribly,
terribly wrong. Nostradamus predicted that one day the veritable Jello
molecules would mutate and self destruct, and inevitably Jello would
become extinct. And the population of the earth, hooked on Jello and
needing it for survival, would slowly die out. "Some say the world
will end in fire, some say the world will end in ice" says Robert
Frost. But I say that the world will end in Jello, or more exactly,
in the absence of Jello.
So beware, my friends. Save yourselves while you still can. Some are
so addicted to Jello that they say that they want to be eating Lime
Green Jello as the world ends. How ironic it is to crave the fruit of
destruction, the sweet poison, even as it destroys the world around
them.
Beware... listen to me now. JELLO IS BAD. It is the tool of Satan.
Man has made his fatal error by trying to control what he does not
understand. Heed my warning before it is too late: avoid Jello, the
quivering temptress wants only to cause you pain.
by Elizabeth Hubbard
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