Here's something that landed in my e-mailbox, courtesy of one of my college friends.


Deep Thoughts by Dan Ullucci...

The first Christians thougth the world was going to end in their lifetime. The second generation Christians thought so too. Thoughout history lots of people have thougth the world was going to end really soon.

It didn't.

Lots of people have different ideas about what they'd like to be doing while the world is ending and for some reason lots of them have to do with gratuitous sex. I don't know why. I'd much rather be doing that while the world wasn't ending.

When the world ends I hope I'm eating Lime Green Jello... Because it's yummy.


Thesis on Jello
by Elizabeth Hubbard

The phenomenon of Jello is one that has been speculated upon since the dawn of intellectual reasoning. Prehistoric cave paintings in France depict groups of Neanderthals gathered around the glistening quivering mass in wonder and in fear, and anthropologists have offered forth many theories as to the role of Jello in the life of prehistoric man. The most widely accepted theory is that Jello was a type of unfathomable pleasure for these prehistoric peoples, and it was perhaps the insatiable lust for this quivering colloid that caused the beginnings of warfare in the world.

Masters of fire were persons of power in this prehistoric world, but the priviledged few who held the key to creating domesticated Jello were seen as virtual gods on earth... these "Jello Whispererers" were revered and worshipped as much as the gelatin itself.

As time progressed, so did man's mastery of Jello. The advent of science brought about the downfall of the Jello Whisperers of old, and much of the mystery that once shrouded this coveted material was dissolved. For a period, people scoffed at Jello because the enigmatic quality that had induced so much speculation had been stripped, and the alien attractiveness of Jello was lost for a time. For a time. It was not long before people began to fully realize the potential of Jello.

The Phoenecians were the first civilization to create Jello with different hues, and though it has been suggested that other colors were produced, there is only historical evidence to support this culture's production of (of course) purple Jello. This was a turning point in the evolution of Jello, for now man began to fully realize the implications of the substance and began to play God, if you will, altering it as if they understood its role in the universe and were able to truly control it. It would not be until much later that man would discover too late that Jello was much more powerful than could be fathomed by mere mortals.

Throughout time, man raped and exploited the once noble substance, using it for many many things that it was never meant to do. Unbeknownst to most individuals, Jello was offered to the Christ child at the first Christmas ("frankensence" is the Hebrew word for "Jello"). The Egyptians have been known to have embalmed their dead with Jello. Louis XIV, in building his great palace at Versailles, created a whole room filled with red, white and blue Jello in the pattern of the French flag. Soldiers in the American Civil War used Jello as ammunition for their cannons. Many scholars have been skeptical about the effectiveness of Jello as a weapon of mass destruction, but studies have been done to indicate that once Jello reaches a velocity of 150 m/s, it is deadly.

Suddenly something went terribly terribly wrong: someone ate Jello. And just as prehistoric man lusted after the wriggly quality, twentieth century man began to desire its firm yet yielding texture and its myriad of colors and flavors. An obsession began, and suddenly the world could not get enough of Jello. Soon it was used exclusively for human consumption... no more for amunition, no more for funerary uses. Humans simply wanted to eat it, and hey wanted to eat alot of it. Tragically, the power of Jello was given to anyone who had $ .88, hot water and a Jello mold. It could be bought anywhere... it was literally accessable to all. It was marketed to children, made attractive by cute quivering shapes such as ducks and hearts and stars. Some disregarded the niceties, and simply ate the Jello in the generic cube form- it didn't matter to them what the shape was, they just needed their Jello. They needed it, and they needed it bad. Suddenly the entire world needed Jello.

This insatiable need and addiction for Jello soon evolved into a reliance on Jello... and suddenly something began to go terribly, terribly wrong. Nostradamus predicted that one day the veritable Jello molecules would mutate and self destruct, and inevitably Jello would become extinct. And the population of the earth, hooked on Jello and needing it for survival, would slowly die out. "Some say the world will end in fire, some say the world will end in ice" says Robert Frost. But I say that the world will end in Jello, or more exactly, in the absence of Jello.

So beware, my friends. Save yourselves while you still can. Some are so addicted to Jello that they say that they want to be eating Lime Green Jello as the world ends. How ironic it is to crave the fruit of destruction, the sweet poison, even as it destroys the world around them.

Beware... listen to me now. JELLO IS BAD. It is the tool of Satan. Man has made his fatal error by trying to control what he does not understand. Heed my warning before it is too late: avoid Jello, the quivering temptress wants only to cause you pain.


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