current thoughts on love... (01/30/98)

Y'know what's funny? (Funny ha-ha, sort of, but in an ironic way.) I broke up with Tim two weeks ago. I wanted to do it; it was all me, not at all his fault. I'd just, um, lost that lovin' feeling, I guess. But soon afterwards, I really regretted it. Often I still do. Maybe I'm just lonely, or I just want to know that I'm loved. Maybe my unhappiness with our relationship stemmed from the horrible depression I was going through... Why is it so hard to appreciate what you've got while you've got it?

I know i was a crappy girlfriend. I think it was partly because I was - am - still a bit traumatized from being dumped by Brad. (not that that was an excuse.) I'm like, "C'mon, brain, it was FIVE MONTHS AGO, get over it!", but emotional trauma does funky things to me.

The problem is, I don't know what I want. I want to be in love, and to be loved, but with who, and by who? I don't know if I want to go out with Tim again - shit, I hurt him bad, and that hurt me. I don't want to have to do that to anyone ever again, much less hurt him a second time. (yes, I know that's a chickenshit reason for not going out with him. It's like saying, "Why go out with anyone? We'll just break up eventually." I know.) But really - WHY would he want to go out with me again? When Brad dumped me, I wanted him to come crawling back so that I could say "Fuck you!" and be a liberated woman and all that. (god, it's painful, being a liberated woman.) None of this on-again, off-again stuff for me. And while Tim deserves the opportunity to tell me where to stick my newfound affection - I really was a bad girlfriend - I don't particularly want to be on the receiving end. I don't know what to do about this. Pray, I guess. I do. It helps - but I feel like every day that I do nothing, we grow further apart. It hurts.

Dammit! I am not even ATTRACTIVE (well, not very, anyway), so why do I lose all my guy friends to stupid crushes on me? Ahem. Sorry, just needed to vent that.

Maybe I hurried into the whole Tim thing too quickly. It happened so quickly - there was mutual attraction, then presto! we were going out. Neither of us even had to say anything - we just kind of fell into it. I think I needed some time apart to let my brain function normally in regards to Tim and our relationship. And now that I've had time to think about it a little bit, it's probably too late. He doesn't even want to talk me anymore, much less go out with me. But what would I say if he did?

Well, I guess if i never say anything, I'll never find out. I just hope I end up doing the right thing... for both of us.

I wonder, too, if we ever do end up going out again, if he'd be able to trust me. Getting dumped sucks, and don't I know it. I have no affection left in my heart for Brad, so how can i expect anything different from Tim?

I feel like Elizabeth Bennett. Yeesh. My life is a Jane Austen novel. I guess that's not all bad... in Pride and Prejudice everything worked out okay.

I should be so lucky.

thoughts | brain | comment form | sparkyville

This sad muddle written by Sparky ( kumquat37@hotmail.com )
Written 01/30/98