I can't believe

This is my LIFE!

Wow. I'm in college. I've been in college for a whole week now. And, to my (somewhat) surprise, I've been adjusting quite well. So well, in fact, that it's scary. It's like I've slipped into this entirely new life without so much as a ripple. Sure, sometimes I get over- stressed, sometimes I get sick of trying to be so fucking responsible all the time, but I haven't been really homesick, I haven't had any gut-wrenching feelings that I've made the wrong decision... In fact, I love it here. It's beautiful, even with no water in the pond, the people around me are amazing and friendly and wonderful, and my classes are, well, classes. I love the independence, even if it does come with a healthy dollop of self-responsibility. My life is good.

But i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Sometimes I think I'm abnormal for having adjusted so well. I mean, I left my cozy nest and came here, where I'm surrounded by strangers (except for Katie), and yet I have no problems with any of this. Communal bathroom? No problem. No car? No problem. It's scary, that I'm so adaptable. And my mom read these "Letting Go" books on how to deal with sending your child off to college, and I feel like I'm not giving her anything to use her newfound knowledge on. She read that she shouldn't freak out if her child comes home with a funky radical haircut, but that's not exactly something she needs to worry about. The only thing more radical I could do with my hair is shave some obscenity into the back. And i frickin asked her if she'd mind. Am I the sickeningly ideal child or what?

Of course, she's the sickeningly ideal parent, too. ;)

So anyway, school is great. Wonderful. Couldn't be better (unless I had my advisor's office hours. Then it would be perfect.). So that's college.

Then there's the fact that it's becoming impossible for me to think I'm unattractive anymore. I used to think I was fat and hideous and that no one would ever like me. Of course, now it seems like wherever I go I've got people tripping over themselves to get to know me. Woah. I mean, I'm not even looking for someone to go out with right now, but I've already had one girl hit on me and Katie's convinced that another one has the hots for me too. They're both really nice, but I don't want to go out with either of them (yet). The thing is, having that weird sexual tension thing going on, not knowing quite where I stand with people, makes me sort of nervously uncomfortable. Plus it makes my friends who like the people who like me (ahem, Katie) just slightly jealous. And I hate that. I don't ask for these people to like me. If I could bottle my pheromones or whatever it is and sell it, I'd be paying my own way through college, and I wouldn't worry about how much I was spending on groceries for my fridge. If it's going to put strain on my relationships with my friends, I'd almost rather people didn't like me so much. Although it has made the transition into college life much easier. ;)

I guess I don't know quite what I want right now. I want my life to be running smoothly, like a well-tuned motorcycle. I want to be responsible about all my school crap so I don't have to feel guilty about it all the time while I'm out having fun. I want to know when I turned from Caroline the Nerd into Sparky the Sex Kitten. Hello. This is weird, guys.

I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. I never planned on having my life all worked out and under control by age eighteen. I'm not gonna stress over it. Not too much, anyway.

That's it. Stop reading.

thoughts | brain | writings | sparkyville

this page by sparky ( kumquat37@hotmail.com )
written 09/16/98 @ 11:15pm