Further Thoughts

I can't stand being at home anymore. I think that's why I've been making this dumb webpage; I know no one really cares about it but me, but when i'm on the internet I don't have to think about real life. It just seems like everything's been weighing down on me more than usual lately. School, my family, college apps, my "friends"... I don't really know what to do about it. I just want to be left alone. Every time I do or neglect to do something, someone has to yell at me about it. It puts me in a foul mood and we end up in a yelling fight. It's funny, because I never used to fight with my family. I used to be the good child; I did my work, I talked to my parents, I just said no to drugs, all that. But lately my parents have been grating on my nerves. My dad especially bothers me. He's got the foulest temper, and even though he's been trying to be better about it, he just can't control it. (I've got a bad tempter too, but I'm fine unless I'm with him. I think that's why we've never been close - that and the fact that he never tried.) We used to fight - physically fight - when i was a kid. He stomped on my foot once; I still have a purple mark from it. We don't talk about it in my house, but it's true. So that's why I'm not particularly comfortable around my dad. It wasn't, like, child abuse or anything, and it didn't happen often, but it didn't encourage me to love him any. I used to think he didn't care about me, he just liked having someone littler than him to boss around.

My mom's a different story. She and I used to talk all the time at night, and we were really close. But we don't anymore; not since my sister was born, I think. We haven't for a while, anyway. And lately she's been acting like my dad - it's like the two of them love to pick on me. It doesn't help that i'm grumpy and depressed, so when they both start teasing me and making me feel worthless, I can't stand it. Once when I was mad at them (this was a bit more than year ago, not anything recent) I just left the house, walked down the street, and read a book for about an hour. They didn't even realize I was gone until a friend called and they couldn't find me, about 40 minutes later. By the time I got back my mom was desperately worried; she's like that. I guess it's one of those things I did to see if they cared about me. I don't think I really thought they did. My dad used to forget to pick me up from choir practice all the time, and I'd be left standing in the cold for an hour. And my brother has always been the one who needed help with his homework so he got more attention. So I used to think subconsciously that I wasn't all that important.

I shouldn't complain; I've had a good life and stuff. But I've never been this unhappy for no reason at all. I don't want to kill myself or anything stupid like that; I just want to get away from everyone. Like go sleep on a park bench or something; I know kids who've done that and it sounds really appealing right now. But I know my parents would have the cops out after me. If they ever noticed I was gone... I just feel very lonely; I can't talk to anyone (when I try, no one is interested) and I can't think of anything else to do about it. Maybe I should see a shrink. My brother used to, and I guess it helped (he was pretty young), but I just can't see myself doing that. Sure, I could talk to someone like that about my life, but I'm afraid it would all come out sounding silly, and besides, to do that I'd have to convince my parents to send me to one. Oh well. I didn't want to go to one anyway. It was just a thought.

I think i'm about talked out on this subject for now. So go do something worthwhile rather than reading about my misery.

(by the way, I still just say no to drugs. in case you were wondering.)

Related Thoughts:
o depression thought #1
o next thought: depression thought #3

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This bite o' depression by Sparky; email me at kumquat37@hotmail.com .
Written 01/17/98.