coming out

So. So I came out to my best friend in the world yesterday. It's about time; I've been thinking about it for months, and feeling guilty. Thinking about telling her, that is. I've been thinking about bisexuality for years now. Three years, to be exact. Not "thinking about it" in an "I'm thinking about trying it" kind of way, mind you. Thinking in an "I wonder if i'm bi or just questioning or if this is maybe just a phase" way.

It's very liberating, in a way. My family still doesn't know, but at school I can now be as queer as I please. And here, on my webpage. It's an amazing feeling.

I think I wierded Ali out a little, though. I mean, we don't talk much about emotions and stuff - we're atypical girls in that sense, I suppose. No obsessing over crushes together (especially not now, I suppose...) or that sort of thing. We laugh a lot, and vent to each other, and watch a lot of movies. We talk about menstruation, Victoria's Secret, parental problems, and sometimes even God. But our emotional problems are usually dealt with in the privacy of our own hearts.

I vividly remember when Ali told me about her life over the past few years. We were sitting on an old red love seat in my house one summer night after church. She told me about her mom getting sick with cancer, her dad having affair with another woman, moving out, moving back in... and her mom's death. Now she's stuck living with her dad and three brothers... It's easy to see why she skipped her junior year of high school. She's had quite a life for someone not yet eighteen. That night stands out vividly in my memory because it was such an unusual occurrence - it was the closest either of us had come to baring our heart to the other. But now I've told her what's in my heart (although I was too chicken to do it in person, so I wrote it in a note), and I'm afraid it will change our friendship. I don't think Ali is at all shallow or anything like that, but I'm afraid she doesn't quite know what to think about homosexuality. See, we're Christian types, and the Bible (Old Testament, Leviticus 18:22) says homosexuality is bad. Well, actually it says "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman," so technically, since gay guys don't "lie" with women, they're ok, but us bisexuals get the short end of the stick. It's a sticky wicket, to be sure. And I haven't really had a chance to talk it over with her, which I think will help get things back to normal. I think it also helped that, despite my jangly nerves, I acted the same as I always have. Of course, it's hard not to be my bouncy self. I'd rather be happy and sproingety than shy and quiet.

Another factor in this thing is that I'm intimidated by Ali. I know, it's silly, but it's true. She's smarter, more mature, more serious, and more responsible - and less noisy - than I am. I admire her for all of those things, but at the same time I feel like I'm a kid and she puts up with me because I'm amusing and it's nice to have someone to go to the movies with. Granted, I don't think our friendship is that superficial - we share lots of interests, opinions, and activities, and we have some healthy disagreement too. We never fight. And honestly, although I don't call her as much as I should and I sometimes tease her about her germ phobia, she's my best friend. We are, as Forrest Gump put it, "like peas 'n carrots". We answer questions in unison. And I don't know what I'd do without her. I guess I'd be lonely much of the time, although I have lots of other friends. But then, I've always been more of a one-on-one person than a party animal.

The long and the short of it is, I'm bi. I'm attracted to girls as well as guys (although I'm only about a 2 on the Kinsey scale, at least at this point in my life) and I hate having to hide it. I'm glad I told her, even though it's hard to deal with sometimes.

I hope this whole thing blows over. Maybe it'll give me the courage to tell my family. Heh. Heh heh. I don't think so. I'm not quite ready for that yet.

"Either we love one another,
either we hold one another,
or the sea will engulf us,
and the light will go out."

~James Baldwin


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this page by Sparky ( )
written 04/02/98